Today we send the light of our love to those who have been quietly curating themselves for so long that they've almost forgotten what the unedited version feels like
It's only recently that I've realized that I've lived through decades of constant "performance anxiety". It is taking awhile to sort out what the unedited version of me is really like, instead of the curated version.
Thanks for giving me the words to clarify my experiences.
Yesterday I received the Abhisheka (empowerment) for the "Sadhana of Mahamudra" from Shechen Rabjam Rinpoche, who is visiting Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada, where I live, to bestow several Abhishekas, transmissions, and teachings from August 1-7, 2026. [The Sadhana itself is performed every New and Full Moon and highly unusual in being open to the public. Still, an actual empowerment for it is basically, at best, a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity; yet the mountain came to me, whereas at least hundreds of people, monastics as well as lay Vajrayana practictioners, have come from many different parts of this continent and beyond.] It was amazing.
This morning I arrived at my local meditation centre before 9 am to attend the open meditation practice offered every Sunday morning, and walked into an almost empty main shrine room (most are busy attending and/or staffing the off-site events). I immediately was asked to serve as drummer for "The Sutra of the Heart of Transcendent Knowledge" during opening chants.
I had never used that particular drum (at least 3 feet in diameter), and the last time I used a similar one was well over a decade ago, after minimal instruction; but since the usual drummer needed to step into the only more crucial role (which includes leading the chants among a number of other things), and one can't do everything, the alternative was no drum -- which sets the cadence for this beautiful chant and, properly done, sounds like a heart beat filling the entire shrine room -- the absence of the drum makes a huge difference, and I was on the hook to provide the beating heart for the "Heart Sutra" itself, which goes all the way back to the Buddha. Did I say recently I had had enough of trial by fire? Silly me, I guess I challenged or invited the universe to throw some more my way. You might think I should know better by now, or else it's my natural element. I have a strong feeling my life is going to continue to unfold this way for the foreseeable future. No time to prepare, no time for either performance anxiety or ego inflation, just totally flying by the seat of my pants on the spot.
It's only recently that I've realized that I've lived through decades of constant "performance anxiety". It is taking awhile to sort out what the unedited version of me is really like, instead of the curated version.
Thanks for giving me the words to clarify my experiences.
Thank you. I feel seen.
The deep unworthiness is heavy.
Yesterday I received the Abhisheka (empowerment) for the "Sadhana of Mahamudra" from Shechen Rabjam Rinpoche, who is visiting Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada, where I live, to bestow several Abhishekas, transmissions, and teachings from August 1-7, 2026. [The Sadhana itself is performed every New and Full Moon and highly unusual in being open to the public. Still, an actual empowerment for it is basically, at best, a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity; yet the mountain came to me, whereas at least hundreds of people, monastics as well as lay Vajrayana practictioners, have come from many different parts of this continent and beyond.] It was amazing.
This morning I arrived at my local meditation centre before 9 am to attend the open meditation practice offered every Sunday morning, and walked into an almost empty main shrine room (most are busy attending and/or staffing the off-site events). I immediately was asked to serve as drummer for "The Sutra of the Heart of Transcendent Knowledge" during opening chants.
I had never used that particular drum (at least 3 feet in diameter), and the last time I used a similar one was well over a decade ago, after minimal instruction; but since the usual drummer needed to step into the only more crucial role (which includes leading the chants among a number of other things), and one can't do everything, the alternative was no drum -- which sets the cadence for this beautiful chant and, properly done, sounds like a heart beat filling the entire shrine room -- the absence of the drum makes a huge difference, and I was on the hook to provide the beating heart for the "Heart Sutra" itself, which goes all the way back to the Buddha. Did I say recently I had had enough of trial by fire? Silly me, I guess I challenged or invited the universe to throw some more my way. You might think I should know better by now, or else it's my natural element. I have a strong feeling my life is going to continue to unfold this way for the foreseeable future. No time to prepare, no time for either performance anxiety or ego inflation, just totally flying by the seat of my pants on the spot.